My spirit has felt heavy all week. I believe its growth.
It’s an uncomfortable feeling. I currently feel painfully alone, yet content. My mind envisions my goals on repeat, leaving my body anxious to fulfill all my desires.
I’ve realized every tool I need to accomplish my goals reside inside of me. The abundance of free time I have leaves me reflecting on my life. The time has filled me with confidence. Accomplishments are stacked neatly in my head as motivation, reminding me to keep building. But my soul is tired and fighting growth.
I just want someone to break down too. Every five minutes I am scrolling down my mental catalog of friends and loved ones searching for someone to call who’ll understand. I rarely can think of anyone.
I am fortunate to have amazing friends and a supportive family I can feel from 9,000 miles away, but the reality is I’m alone. No one is coming over after work just to be with me. I’m not eating meals with anyone I trust who I can discuss my thoughts with. No one’s around to create a vibe of security and love.
Those I am fortunate enough to call are amazing listeners who give sympathy and reassurance. But lately, I don’t want that. I want to feel a vibe. I need action. A hug.
So I turn to myself. Being my own 24/7 support system is emotional labor. Intensive around the clock care. I think everyone needs to experience it.
All week I’ve struggled to write something positive. I wanted to share something uplifting. I’m afraid of only sharing my struggles and not the beauty I’m experiencing abroad. Because there is so much beauty in this journey. But I’ve settled on writing my truth. My spirit is gloomy this week. And my writing will always be a genuine reflection of me.
So this piece is touched with sadness. My Auntie passed this week. I’m on the other side of the world while the people I love the most are preparing to lay a woman to rest who helped raise me.
My heart breaks every morning I wake up and remember. I feel helpless.
Feeling pain this significant in silence is teaching me something. I’m not entirely sure what yet. But I decided the goal of this piece is to share a lesson I’m learning.
A successful and emotionally balanced adult should know what they need to stay motivated. Identifying what comforts your soul can be invaluable when life feels like it’s trying to crush your spirit. My experiences are forcing me to form healthy coping mechanisms.
Getting through each day with a positive outlook requires intention. I have to create purpose in everything I do, think and I feel, so I don't end up in a puddle of tears.
Intentionally turning up the positivity inside me, when outside circumstances I can’t control are trying to drown out my happiness, has become vital.
Silent moments alone lead me to think: how can you know what you desire from someone else emotionally, before identifying your desires? I don’t think you can look to a lover, sister, brother or friend for healthy support without knowing what tactics make your spirit respond best. You shouldn’t have expectations of others that you can’t meet yourself. Learning to manifest within yourself is personally rewarding and can make outside relationships healthier and more mutual.
In light of all this self-care, I’m also learning I don't want to live this way; alone. Humans require companionship. Humans deserve other humans who care. We were not built to be alone. However, during this time where God has graced me with solitude, I’m determined to learn and become a better person.
I’m not saying you have to uproot your life and live alone to know yourself. You can gain and maintain self-awareness in your life starting right now. Reading this blog is a form of self care, so shout out to you It starts with intention and dedication to yourself.
One of my fears is getting home and losing the peace I’ve achieved in Thailand. I’m working on building up my self-care methods so they become a way of life I’ll never go without practicing.
Another lesson I have learned is knowledge not shared with your community is knowledge gained in vain. Every ounce of knowledge God allows to be poured into me I want to give back to anyone who cares to listen. Or read haha.
If one person gains clarity from my experiences, I'll feel like I’m living the purpose God created for me.
I’ve decided that solitude is teaching me what I need from others because I have given it to myself. Therefore I will never accept less.
Sometimes we aren’t attracting our needs, because we don’t know what our needs are.
Instant gratification can feel blissful at first. Instant gratification is the reason we take the first thing that comes our way. It feels better or more comfortable than being without. I've seen this in relationships, jobs and the experiences we choose to pursue.
Many things in society push us to put off the emotional work needed to manifest our desires. We become content with where we are, and let life happen to us. We have to start taking control of our destiny by listening to our spirit.
Fasting from people is necessary. Quieting outside opinions to see where your spirit leads you can be life-changing. Your spirit has goals for you. Embrace silence, visuals your goals. Align your goals with your actions and your spirit. That is how you find your purpose in life.
The morning I found out my aunt passed I promised myself her passing was going to teach me a lesson I'd hold the rest of my life. I'm still deciphering what the lesson is. Though this isn't the positive post I wanted to share I hope you grasp what I’m aiming to share:
Though I am alone and it is hard, I’m taking the time to learn myself. It is making me a stronger woman. There is no proof we live twice, so while making this life count take time to make sure you are listening to your spirit and living your purpose.
In memory of my Aunt <3
