I’ll never forget my thought process leading me to Thailand. It started freshman year at Georgia State University outside of my math class in Langdale. There was a flyer on the bulletin board about teaching English abroad. A spark lit in my head that never died. At that moment my journey started.
That same semester other events occurred leading me to change my major from Journalism to English. I kept finding myself around lawyers who talked with me very candidly. All of them majored in English during their undergrad. The universe placed numerous signs in my life. I listened to them all.
I decided freshman year that after graduation I wanted to take time and teach English in another country, while there I would study for the LSAT and prepare for law school. I didn’t know where I wanted to teach, but I knew I wanted to be somewhere that had a beach. Period. I still had four years ahead of me; I had faith the rest would fall into place. And boy, did it.
God bless my professors who assigned projects based on researching what I wanted to do after graduation. Those assignments helped me get my shit together. They forced me to sit and research my goals. I learned about the certification I needed to apply for teaching jobs overseas. I read testimonials specifically from Black women who had gone abroad to teach. I looked up different law schools and began learning how to prepare for the LSAT. Without those assignments, I would’ve probably been behind the curve and not prepared to teach so swiftly after graduation.
I’ll admit, I walked the line of enjoying college too much and keeping my shit together closely. I was very active and almost always worked a job, so I didn’t always give my future enough attention. That’s why my faith in manifestation is so strong today. I envisioned teaching abroad. I prayed on it. I spoke it into existence. Because there’s no way, I’m this lucky and things just so happen to fall into place perfectly. God/ the Universe helped bring my dreams into fruition.
You know that annoying question everyone asks you in college, especially in your senior year: “What are your plans for after graduation?” I hated the question, but I perfected my answer. “My goal is to teach abroad after graduation. While abroad I plan on studying for the LSAT. Then God willing I’ll come back to attend Law School.” I always received positive feedback, even though I’ll admit a majority of the time I didn’t have confidence in myself. I wasn’t always sure I could achieve these goals. I had no plan, I didn’t personally know anyone who’d ever taught abroad, and I questioned if I was smart enough for law school.
Regardless, the same question kept coming, and my answer never changed. I always put in an effort to speak with humility, because I knew my dreams were big. Sometimes a voice in my head would tell me I sounded insane. I didn't feel convinced I had it in me to leave everything I’ve known for the unknown.
Looking back on it, I see I was speaking my current reality into existence. Staying humble and knowing at any moment your dream can be snatched away is a key pillar of manifestation (I just recently learned this.) Continuing to speak my goals into the universe despite the voice in my head telling me I wouldn’t make it, probably made me tough. I developed a strength inside that kept me pushing when life made me feel I would never make it.
Senior year came fast. I get emotional when I think back on everything. I struggled with so many aspects of life: relationships, friendships, family, money. Everything seemed to be harder. However, nothing was harder than keeping myself motivated. Pushing myself to the finish line. Getting out of bed some mornings was an achievement. I never doubted that I would graduate, but I did doubt if I could graduate and stay sane.
Depression and anxiety covered me like a blanket towards the end of 2017 and remained present, honestly until I moved to Thailand. I’ll discuss depression and anxiety in another post where I’ll describe how I’m still fighting it today.
With the consistent feeling of not being good enough and my overwhelming fear of failure, I still found a voice inside of me, keeping me motivated to attack my goals. I tried my hardest to stay focused with six classes and an internship during my last semester. I spent countless nights in the library or at a Starbucks trudging my way through piles of essays and reading assignments. I would also spend nights ignoring all my responsibilities drinking wine and watching Netflix. But I learned to find joy in my work — a sense of peace.
Senior year I was going through the most drawn out, painful breakup of my life from October 2017 until I left for Thailand in August 2018. Every night I pushed myself to do work senior year, I had to turn my emotions off and drowned myself in reading or writing.
As graduation inched closer, my mother and grandmother became more critical of how I planned to accomplish my goals after graduation. I knew I needed to get my TEFL (teaching English as a foreign language) certification. But I didn’t know where. The immediate companies I found offering TEFL certifications in a classroom and not online were all out of state or in another country. I would get so frustrated that I’d just stop thinking about it for a few days.
My grandmother, bless her heart, is the one who found Oxford Seminars. I felt stupid because it took her one day of searching to find a class less than thirty minutes away from me, but I was so grateful. I looked at the available course dates, and one started days after I finished my last final for college. The course finished a week after graduation. God’s timing couldn’t have been more perfect. My loving grandmother helped me pay for half of the course. All, I had to do was pass my classes at Georgia State and then go back to class.
Thankfully, I never hated school. I was genuinely excited to start the course. I felt relieved to be finished with college and on the path to my next step. People would commend me on going right back to school, but I honestly felt lucky that the opportunity came swiftly and in perfect timing. Now, when people asked what my plans were for after graduation, I could say something that wasn’t just a hope and dream.
The morning I woke up for my first day at Oxford Seminars, my ex and I got into our most toxic fight. And that’s saying a lot. He said things to intentionally break my spirit because I was trying to move on from him. He broke my heart again that morning. It was a pivotal moment in our relationship that essentially became the reason I no longer went back to him. I was so mentally beaten down by him that morning, even after the horrible things he said to me I stayed on the phone.
After we were finished yelling, I was crying hysterically. He calmed me down. I believe my ex truly loved me; he was just in a troubled headspace during 2018. He tortured me because he wasn’t happy with himself and he didn’t want to lose me. I hope he’s finding peace this new year.
After he calmed me down, I started getting dressed for class. I began crying again because I felt ugly in everything I tried to wear. He calmed me down again. I walked to my car with him still on the phone. We weren’t talking anymore though. I believe we both knew he ruined our relationship irrevocably that morning. We hung up; I drove to class listening to NPR. I felt empty inside.
My first day I didn’t talk much. I wore a hat pulled down so people wouldn’t stare directly into my puffy eyes. I remember journaling that day, reflecting on how I was starting the first steps of my dream, utterly broken.
The first day of my TEFL certification course was solely about relocating to another country. Our professor just talked to us the whole 8 hour class day about what it would be like to move across the world. He explained all the tasks we had to handle here before moving like banking, visas and securing your job. We learned about what working in a foreign school would be like, what typical relationships with students were like and culture shock. He even touched on dating in a foreign country. My first day of class was exactly what my soul needed. It got me excited about my future. I felt the course reminded me there is so much more to life than being hurt by a boy. When I got home that evening I cleaned my room to kick some of those bad energies I left that morning. I sat feeling peace about my future for the first time in a long time.
I Graduated from college and finished the course in a matter of weeks. There were days I felt thrilled with my accomplishments. I’ll be forever thankful for memories, my family and friends who helped me celebrate.
Oxford seminars kept to its word; maybe two weeks after completing the course, I started to receive job offers. I was out of town for my cousins' wedding when I received the first email about a position in China.
I know this blog is about how I got to Thailand and I keep going off into other stories, but nothing in life is linear. I feel like to truly convey the beauty of my path you have to see all the side roads I took that created this fantastic journey. I want you to see how behind the success there was much pain. And that if I can overcome it, so can you.
I nervous about going to my cousin's wedding. Not because I don't love my cousin and her husband to my core. They are one of the most beautiful couples in my life and seeing their union in person is a highlight of my 2018.
I didn’t want to go because I was experiencing extreme anxiety around this time. I just moved back in with my mother, I was recovering from another breakup (come back for more stories about this), I still didn’t know if my dream of teaching abroad would become a reality, I hadn’t sent out thank you cards from graduation and the one month mark was approaching, plus I weighed the most I ever had in my life. I felt ugly. I was unhappy. The idea of being around family who were inevitably going to have questions about my life gave me severe anxiety. I just wanted to stay away.
On the ride to Michigan, which is where my family lives, my mom brother and I stopped at a Chipotle to eat lunch with my moms' close friend Keilyn. Keilyn has a beautiful soul, and I love her like an aunt. However, seeing her was giving me anxiety. Sure enough in our first five minutes of sitting down, she asked why she hadn’t received a thank you card for her graduation gift, and I broke down in tears. In the middle of Chipotle. I had a small anxiety attack and was trying to control my breathing while my mom brother and Keylin all stared at me. My brother went to get me more napkins.
I was a fucking mess. Keilyn apologized, she had no idea what her question would do to me. I reassured her there was no reason to apologize, and that this was bound to happen. I was able to talk my fears out with my mom and Keilyn. My brother had his headphones in playing Fortnite. They tried giving me some tips on how to handle my anxiety around family. I left Chipotle a tad better. Though, I still felt at any moment something could trigger me.
I remember vividly walking around that day and not feeling present. Like my spirit was off somewhere taking a break from my body because I had too much going on. I was overthinking everything, hypersensitive and always on the verge of tears. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through our trip.
As soon as I got around my family, I was fine. I had been dramatic about everything, and I can say that now haha. The love my family gives off fills my spirit. But I think most people, regardless of how much they love their family experience some type of anxiety in certain family situations. Or at least hopefully you can understand when that much love and connection is amongst a group of people emotions can be intensified.
The most amazing thing happened while with my family. My thoughts calmed down. I started to feel peace and happiness. Then the first email came offering me a position in China to teach English. A few hours later one came from South Korea, then China again. I was blissfully happy. I felt like everything would be okay.
I didn’t take any of those jobs. The position I wanted the most out of the first three was with South Korea. After a pre-interview, the agent withdrew the job offer from me. During our Skype call (which he was very rude the entire time) he asked if I would be happy teaching in a rural area. My answer was yes since I intended to spend my free time studying for the LSAT. He decided I wasn’t a good fit and might be more focused on studying than teaching.
My spirit crushed the morning I woke up to an email from him withdrawing the position. I literally cried the whole day.
Depression and anxiety were so powerful the entire summer, which is common for most adults immediately after graduation. My life felt like it was flatlining and I had just lost the one job I wanted.
But I still kept making shit shake. I applied for more jobs overseas. If it was far away, I wanted it. I almost signed a contract for a position in China where I would be working with adults. But my heart really wanted to work with children.
One afternoon I got an offer from Thailand. They emailed me details and the contract. It seemed too good to be true, everything was finalized. I just had to agree.
I spent a few days researching everything: the school, what living in Thailand was like for a Black woman, the town, how much plane tickets cost ane more. After speaking to the Agent on the phone, I signed my contract. I was moving to Thailand. And all I could think was “what the fuck.”
Come back soon to read what packing my life up physically and mentally was like
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